Qwuedeviv Crew 52: The C.C.K. Routine Never Fails

 Well that shut it up for a moment. Over much research from studying Human Entertainment Media we had discovered stating you came with peas always settled Human uncertainty. The phrase comes from ancient Earthian civilizations that were primitive. Well, more primitive than their current state that is. So the offer of peas served as a uh, promise that they hadn’t come to steal food I suppose. Earthians love peas.  

 As luck would have it, I had managed to find an even more primitive Human though. I had assumed that the creature would be impressed with my rather powerful declaration of possessing peas, but much to my surprise, and I’m sure the surprise of all of Command Center, their entire culture was lost on this one. That was clearly a problem on Earth now days. No one had any respect for ancient Earthian culture.

 “Peas?” The Human spoke up at last. I could tell it was trying to sound as if it knew what it was talking about, but I knew it didn’t. “Why…why are you telling me this?”

  I rolled my eyes—it’s a gesture reserved for complete fishbrains like this individual. “You were freaking out. It’s supposed to calm you down. Duh.”

 Again there was a pause as its tiny Human brain tried to process this info.

 “Is that your way of saying you’re friendly?”

 Maybe there was hope for the Human civilization after all. It had only taken an alien from another planet to explain the truths so long forgotten. It made me happy to know I had helped a species that would have otherwise been doomed by their flawed memory—not enough to change my mind about taking over their planet and enslaving their species or anything of course.

 “But you just said you were invading.”

 Funny how the Human brain works. Couldn’t remember their main food source and its history but clung like a little earth monkey to the word ‘invade.’

 “Did I? I don’t think so.”

 “You did.”

Know it all Humans were not something I intended to tolerate. I had tried the nice approach. It had failed. It was thus time to move on to other, more forceful methods.

 “Look Human, if you go tell anyone do you know what they’ll do?

 “Well I do believe they may question my sanity and—”

 “Aside from lock you up in a crazy house, they’ll take me away and do all kinds of horrible tests and experiments. Then my species gets all upset and comes down here to blow yours off the face of the planet. Is that what you want? To single handedly be responsible for your entire species’ destruction when all we ever wanted was to observe and learn?”

 Kekeke, that gave it something to think about! And so it did. I was beginning to wonder if Humans entered a state of sleep with their eyes remaining open. It seemed to be a sort of weird trait in my opinion, but certainly not unheard of. Besides there were always those cyborg things that sort of looked like Humans in movies. I wasn’t sure if they were actually real or not, but I was willing to consider the possibility.

 After I grew bored of lingering in my own thoughts I decided to prompt the Human along some.

 “Besides, how could one alien kitty cause any trouble?”

 More pondering. The Human really liked doing that.

 “I suppose…”

 That was close enough to an answer for me. No ordinary Qwuedeviv could have pulled that off like I had. The Human had been out thought and now it stood at my mercy—subject to my superior intellect and charming disposition.

 A light breeze picked up that ruffled my tail fur and furthermore reminded me of the ice shards strewn about my furry gray face.

 “Your Mechanical Land Serpent struck and attacked me. My face is now very cold and wet. I—”

 “Oh. You mean the sprinkler?”

 I checked to confirm we were discussing the same violent creature and nodded—it was a strange name for such a beast.

 “Yes the ‘Sprinkler’ as you call it. I’m liable to sue. I mean, that was a totally unprovoked attack! I was just minding my own business, crawling under this here fence and—”

 “You know, that’s worth considering.” The Human tapped at its chin with its sorry excuse for a hand. “Why were you crawling under my fence?”

 That had not been the point I was intending to make at all. Me being under the fence had absolutely nothing to do with the unruly behavior of the Land Serpent. Here we were having a discussion on owner responsibility and the Human had to go off rambling about why I was stuck under a dumb fence.

 “It’s none of your business!”

 “It’s my yard!”

  The Human flailed its arms. Honestly the gesture confused me so I decided to dismiss it and carry on.

 “I see that. The fence I was willing to forgive—it’s the Mechanical Land Serpent that needs—”

 “You’re an alien, trespassing on my property at six in the morning and you’re telling me I have no business asking why you were trying to stuff your furry little hide into my yard?”

 I could hear commotion down the street now. Other Humans must have been alerted by this one’s yowling. This was not good. My chances of convincing the whole Human species that I came with peas was very, very poor. It was time for a new strategy.

 “Alright, forget the suing. Just remember what could happen if you keep yowling danger to everyone.”

 That quieted it down fairly quickly. It sighed and then a sort of gentle smile collided with that ugly bald face.

 “Alright, I get it. You’re probably lost and confused. Something scared you and you didn’t have time to think about how you’d never fit through that gap.”

 I…well no, that wasn’t exactly how it had gone. The getting stuck part was right but was it really that obvious I wouldn’t fit? I had thought I’d aligned it pretty well and…huh. Oh well, I’d worry about that later. Command Center would certainly be receiving a complaint in regards to their slacking conduct.

 For now though, I had the perfect opportunity to unleash the secret weapon. This weapon has been known to captivate its victims long term—sometimes for life. No kidding, it’s that powerful. It’s something I like to call, ‘Cute, Cuddly, Kitty.’

 The key is to let one’s eyes widen and expand to maximum capacity. Direct eyes upward at subject. Works especially well when light sources reflect off of said eye, creating an adorable sparkling effect. Keep mouth relaxed and in a pitiful frown, ears should slump to the sides a tad and the finishing touch is one, tiny, kitten-like ‘mew.’ Gets them every time!

 Just as expected it worked even with the Human. It knelt down beside me; gaze no doubt locked on my adorable face.

 “Aww…you poor little thing.”

 Yes, that was right. I was a poor little thing. Mercy and pity were proper responses. The next step would be the Human’s great regret towards the way it had treated me. It would wish to give me its home and loyalty to make up for the inhospitable treatment it had displayed.

 I was ready to receive my prize, but much to my horror, it stretched out its bald hand. I hit the fence in an attempt to go backwards—Humans were a terrifying species. One moment they seemed slow and helpless, the next they moved with lightning fast refluxes…reflexes…something like that. The point is I didn’t receive my so richly deserved reward—instead the creature reached out and stroked the fur of my forehead. Yes, you read that right—they had skipped touching the hood of my uniform and had gone straight for the luxurious fur.

 There’s a few things to keep in mind about my species—the first of which should be, we don’t like being touched. At all. Especially by Earthian aliens. I actually added that last part there, but I’m sure other Qwuedeviv would agree with me.

 “It’s okay.” The Human tried to assure, reaching then for the fence and the back portion of my uniform. “Let’s get you out of this mess.”

 Yes! Let’s! That sounded much more to my standards. I couldn’t see what the Human was doing exactly but the wiring stopped clawing my back and a few moments later I was able to easily back out from the gap. Granted I was still on the wrong side of the fence, but it was a step in the right direction…or a step back in the wrong direction for good reasons or something. The point was I was free to take the next course of action, whatever it may be.

 There was a moment of awkwardness as I stood there poised to run. The Human watched me in return. It seemed I would have to solve this problem or it wouldn’t be solved at all.

 “So. You plan on letting me in?”

 “Not really.”

 That was not what I was expecting at all. What had happened to the ‘poor kitty’ thing? Now they weren’t even going to let me in the house?

 “But…but your people. The horrible things. Don’t you remember—”

 “If you’re an alien I’m sure you have some kind of cloaking device. Let’s be realistic here.” The Human tilted its head to the side and adjusted its stance. “There has never been an alien species that didn’t have some kind of fancy gadgets for that.”

 “Yeah, but—”

 The Human was already walking away back towards its house. This was…not good. Time to change tactics yet again. Sometimes all our elite military training and knowledge is too complex for common species’ understanding. In these cases you must switch to a more primitive dialect. That was my intention now. Ditch the commander status and appeal to cute factor.

 I hurried to the fence once more and clung to the chain link. It was actually easier to climb than I had expected. Turns out you don’t even need claws to climb the links—fingers fit right into the slots. Had a bit of trouble with the legs since they were covered by my footwear, but I’d manage. It wasn’t the most graceful of maneuvers I had ever performed, but it also wasn’t the worst I must sadly report.

 Anyway my foot snagged at the top and I toppled over the other side. Caught myself with my paws before I hit my face though. The Human stopped and looked back at me. Now was my chance.

 “Look I—I won’t take up much space. I promise to be good! Please?”

 The Human continued its staring and feet shuffling as it rubbed its arms—guess it was cold too.

 “I don’t meow much and you’ll never find a more loyal friend—”

 We might call that a stretch of the truth. My species wasn’t the most…loyal to the species we planned to invade, but that was a detail I intended to leave out.

 The Human slouched which really didn’t do anything for its already lack luster appearance.

 “Alright, fine. You can come in—for today. But the first sign of trouble you give, you’re out, understand?”

 I grinned which…made the Human take a couple steps back. I had forgotten about the creeping out effect our teeth had and made a hasty effort to correct this mistake.

 “Uh-huh. I mean yeah! Thanks!”

 Little did the Human know that it and its pretty little house would mark the first success of our invasion. Kekeke. Be good! How ridiculous!